Merry Christmas NETCU!

Dear NETCU,

Hmmm, I am worried about you. Where did your site go? I was just reading an article by George Monbiot and decided to check up on my old friends at the Unit but you are no where to be found.

I am a little disappointed. I imagine your website would have been an overnight success story with the Guardian reader.

After all, didn't your initial article attacking people like me featuring in the Observer?

Adding to my disappointment is the lack of any festival decorations to the website. Surely, despite the threatened funding cuts, you have a graphic designer or two with the ability to add a Santa hat, a bit of tinsel and some falling snow to the page...it is Christmas after all!

Merry Christmas NETCU!!! May the New Year bring you more success!!!

Sincerely,
Lone Maverick Eco-Extremist No.143, Cell 54, Based in the UK.


Ps. Anybody wanting to read the uncensored version of the NETCU website should check out the wonderful archive.org.

This is what the NETCU website used to look like...I wonder what changes the New Year will actually bring :)

Campaign Against Climate Change March

Dear Met Police Force,

Thank you for hosting such a wonderful event as this year's climate march. Everybody was in high spirits, and probably just as tired as I am today.

For further comments on the march, there are better blogs to be reading than this one. I just wanted to make two quick points before I grab myself some sleep.

Firstly, do your police video teams do weddings? For they are equally as dangerous as climate marches. It is great to see you to doing your bit to create jobs though. By forgetting that London has more CCTV cameras than any other capital city in the world, just so you could employ a few additional police officers to hold a camera or two! Maybe the police force does support the welfare state after all.

Secondly, I must praise your even-handed approach to disability discrimination legislation. Employing your numerically dyslexic officers to act as official counters was a stroke of genius. Sure the march had a few less people than last year, but to count 5,000 people when 10,000 people showed up?

I was in awe of those 10,000 people. The level of debate and discussion was impressive. Their dedication was amazing. Do not try to take that away from them by miscounting their numbers! It is enough to make a lone maverick eco-extremist mad. And while the Guardian may have retracted your claims, we know you are still scared of us and we know where you live...

...So be careful or else....I may just write a powerfully worded letter to you!!

Sincerely,
Lone Maverick Eco-Extremist No.143, Cell 54, Based in the UK.

Day 15

Dear MI5,

Seriously? Did you really fall for that trick?

Let me explain. Two weeks ago, I was contacted by a man. To protect his identity I'll call him DG and he is a Member of Parliament. DG contacted me with the view to leaking some documents relating to a vast flood approaching our shores. He wants me to have them, he wants me to get the news out there. Start a campaign, etc, etc.

Now DG has a moderately good voting record on environmental issues...to place that in context, he is voting in the House of Commons so...well...yeah...a good voting record there means the impact of any climate change measure passed is almost instantly lost; given the amount of CO2 produced by our dear leaders during their debates.

But giving DG the benefit of the doubt, I arrange to collect these leaked documents at a drop off point. He offered to fly me down to London...why do we even bother? Some time later, I arrive in the capital. God bless the privatisation of the railways! A good delay means I can finish reading at least one book. Currently reading the 'cookbook'...you know the one I mean...no lone maverick eco-extremist should be without the 'cookbook'...'10 Exciting Couscous Recipes for Anarchists'

Anyway, I collect the documents and it turns out that it was another one of those 'flood of immigrants' stories that I detest so much.

Not one to hold a grudge, I've spent the last week emailing select friends saying that DG is interested in taking his environmental views to the next level, that he has even been seen hugging a tree.

A few days ago, DG was seized by anti-terror police and held for 9 hours. Of course the media ran with the usual cover story but I know the truth and so do you MI5!!!

Forget lone maverick eco-extremists, front bench politicians are the way to go! They do a lot more damage!!!!

Sincerely,
Lone Maverick Eco-Extremist No.143, Cell 54, Based in the UK.

Day Two

Dear MI5 and other interested parties,

What a night!! Nothing went to plan. None of my favourite real ales were on tap! Just another reason to hate this country... I'll be honest with you, my dearest MI5, sometimes I wonder if I should give up this life of eco-extremism with all the campaigning, meetings, cycling and recycling. Maybe I should just let the crazies continue to live their lives in peace until the day comes that the tides rise so high that most of Britain is washed away to sea; don't arrest me, that's not terrorism, that's just a natural consequence of our non-extremist lifestyles...

...and then I remember that I swore an oath alongside my other lone maverick eco-extremists at my first cell meeting. Of course I cannot publish details of this oath, but I know one of your 'intelligence' officers was present at that meeting. It was the guy with the beard, who ordered Stella in the pub after the meeting.

When will you learn, MI5? Nu-environmentalists are all fashionistas now! We gave up the beards ages ago. Send your bearded officers to investigate a local mosque. We all know that everybody who worships Islam is a terrorist, just like every Brazilian public transport user in London and everybody who boards a bus to attend a protest against anything not organised by the Countryside Alliance.

To assist you in assigning your 'intelligence' officers I will describe the some of characteristics required by an 'intelligence' officer assigned to investigate us in the future:

• Gender - Female or male
  
• Ethnicity - All ethnic groups are welcome
• Sexuality - Heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual, transsexual, trisexual and asexual.
• Political opinion - Mostly Greens, Socialists, conservatives, liberals and anarchists.
• Class - Working, Middle and Upper
• Employment - Teachers, accountants, solicitors, craftsmen, tradesmen, customer service, students and the retired. To be honest, the retired folks are the ones to watch! They are often the most radical of the lot.
• A unique feature amongst most lone maverick eco-extremists is the belief that we can build a better world by using renewable energies, reducing carbon emissions, reducing, reusing and recycling our waste, natural land management and switching the lights off when you leave a room.
• But the key thing to remember, NO BEARDS!!!
  

Wow! Where did that come from? I read that extremists were prone to incoherent rants but I never thought that I would succumb to such a trait.

I am going to calm down and then ponder some eco-extremist activities over a cup of herbal tea.

Sincerely,
Lone Maverick Eco-Extremist No.143, Cell 54, Based in the UK.

Day One

Dear MI5 and other interested parties,

Just left a meeting of fellow lone maverick eco-extremists. Some interesting plans have been hatched. Mostly we plan to go to the pub this afternoon. Different pubs, of course. We are lone maverick eco-extremists after all.

With that in mind, I also plan to get some hummus and bread for my dinner. I'll do it covertly, in a manner that will not draw attention to myself. I have heard that MI5 has agents positioned in Tesco stores around the UK. Every purchase of hummus is recorded on a government database. As we all know hummus is one of the staple foods of a lone maverick eco-extremist; most of us are vegans. The middle classes quite like hummus as well, but they are also slowly being won over by the Greens, so soon they will have to be properly monitored.

Sincerely,
Lone Maverick Eco-Extremist No.143, Cell 54, Based in the UK.

Introduction

I am a lone maverick eco-extremist.

For legal reasons, I cannot tell you my name or location. I am only willing to reveal my Lone Maverick Eco-Extremist number as assigned by The Alliance of Lone Maverick Eco-Extremists (TALMEE). I am number 143. My lone maverick eco-extremist cell is 54. I am based in the UK.

I am establishing this blog because I have massive eco-ego and I feel it is important that I tell the story of the Alliance of Lone Maverick Eco-Extremists in a fair and balanced way. I would hate for a national newspaper to have to rely solely on the lies of the UK Government, much better to rely on the fictions I publish here.

As this blog progresses I will reveal the full account of how The Alliance was formed and where we plan to go in the future; mostly our separate ways, lone mavericks have loner tendencies and not that many friends. Too busy with evil schemes to save the world, we are more like socialists whom don't socialise. You know the sort, sits in the quiet corner of a pub reading the Indy newspaper, planning to destroy something in order to save something else. Like an MI5 agent, but without the noble of agenda you acquire by working for the government.

Anyway, I have said too much for the moment.

Sincerely,
Lone Maverick Eco-Extremist No.143, Cell 54, Based in the UK.